You are not being defeated; you are being transformed.

I landed in Trieste – a city in northern Italy – in July of this year, and have been living alone in this beautiful place ever since.

When I arrived, I had no idea what the next few months of my life would look like. I was drained from a rocky few months back in England, and – in all honesty – I was just very much looking forward to being alone for a while… me, myself and I.

And if you asked me what I ‘did’ in my first month or so here – I’d tell you that I pretty much did nothing. That I spent endless hours going inwards. Simply, stillness. Without any shame, or calls-to-action of ‘productivity’. (In fact, I 100% believe that ‘sometimes the most ‘productive’ thing that you can do is to relax.)

In the quiet of my apartment, I turned to my ‘teachers in consciousness’ (Brené Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert and Wayne Dyer and Danielle LaPorte) and I thought about my core values and I desire mapped my way to 5 new CDFs. And I did yoga. And I sat – aimlessly – in silence. And I stared out of windows. And I stared out to sea. And I got in the sea. And I went on long walks – sometimes through nature, and sometimes just wandering through the city.

Through all this meandering and playing, in the safe and in the unknown, all of my hardness and barriers fell away, and all of my discomforts and fragile parts surfaced. I cried a lot; I purged. My heart burst with gratitude, and at times it froze with fear. The astounding thing is that I always had energy, a lot of it – it was right there on the surface, along with all my full spectrum of emotions; right there where I allowed my full, total, free-flowing self to be…

Freedom.

Then one day, sitting on my balcony in the sun, I got out my notebook and a pen and – because no one was looking – decided to be truly honest with myself and with the universe.

I wrote down on a piece of paper what I wanted my life to be. No filter, no fear of looking ‘idealistic’ (a big shame trigger for me) – just free flowing, incredible desire desire desire. Every thing I want want want.

And there – between some random spider-ed off thought scribbled on the corner of the page and another half-formed but golden idea that was brewing in the middle – was I swear down everything I’ve ever dreamed of being and doing and giving in my life.

It was my ‘gifts’, my passions, a genuine mission  – all rolled into one.

(And PS: I believe that is where we can disjointedly stumble across the magic; not on some big bold title in the middle of the page, neatly telling us what our ‘calling’ is – but on some scribbled half-thought in small print that had previously just been a muffle in the corner of your mind; something we’d not allowed ourselves to fully open and feel… And we need to dig deep, drown out the noise and be truly honest with ourselves – if we’re going to (re)discover that thing as the diamond that it truly is.)

I didn’t even give my heart enough time to pause and wrap up this momentous self-discovery in full awareness and gratitude – no way. Because my mind.body was already pulsating and racing and writing out another 10 brainstorms to get every other idea and energy that was now pouring out of all these hidden corners, and elatedly connecting it with everything I’d ever done or mused over…

… It was synergy… bliss… pure inspiration.

I knew I had been through so much deep and uncomfortable work (years worth) to get to this place. And suddenly – out of nowhere – I’d arrived (somewhere, at least.) I just knew it. I felt so aligned. And I was buzzing.

Fast forward to a few days later – and with all that clarification, I’m already rolling ahead with ways I can begin to make things happen. I land on some goldmines. Conversations are had – and things are moving. At one point, I am literally jumping up and down in my bathroom squealing with joy and breakthrough, with the biggest, shameless grin on my face.

But then – halt.

Something happens, and I’m stopped in my tracks.

Disappointment. Anger. Did I open up to the wrong people? Maybe I pushed in the wrong places to make this thing progress? This thing I believe in with my whole heart… Maybe it is all just too dreamy and idealistic? (There’s that shame trigger again.)

A few days later and I find myself walking through the supermarket feeling (and probably looking) like a ghost. Just like empty and numb. I think I’ve been through the mud enough times for my heart to know on some level that this pain is only temporary, but it’s my head that needs to do the catching-up this time; it’s doing loops of ‘pissed off’ and ‘confused’. I’m standing in line to pay and I hear a song on the radio. And I start crying – excellent.

I leave the supermarket and the sea is only a short walk from where I stand, carved-out and deflated. I look up, and the sky is beautiful – it’s nearing sunset and there’s clouds streaming across, some murky, some bright – all creating an expansive interest of colours and plays of light.

I suddenly remember Elizabeth Gilbert’s words from a few days : ‘Go to the water. Drink the water. Submerge yourself in the water. Touch the water. Look at the water. Then go back to sleep. Repeat as necessary, until healing occurs…’

I hear her voice of guidance in my head, and I go and sit by the sea. And I cry. I go home and take a hot bath. I try to do some yoga – and fail. I drink a lot of water. And I sleep (for a long long time). Lots of water and lots of rest. It definitely helped.

And then I remember something else I’d forgotten long ago:

Meanwhile, you are in some pain and certainly in struggle.
Because you’re being tested.

Life is saying:

‘How much do you desire this?
Is it worth it, to you?
Why?
What are you in this for?

You know this resistance is inevitable…. so how much do you want it?’

And I love this process… Because, as Brené Brown tells us, the question isn’t ‘What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?’ – failures and heartbreaks are inevitable. But rather, the question becomes ‘What do I want to do so much that it doesn’t matter if I fail?’

Yes. That is it.

And so, what do you answer in that situation? How are you to know that you are ‘in truth’ and that all of this – all this big beautiful idea and calling you feel you’ve landed on – is worth the struggle, and the backlash?

Well I recently learnt an amazing lesson about life – that this is where your values come in. In these dark, messy, cloudy, painful moments – this is where your values become like that glaring North Star; guiding your way, no matter what.

So I take a moment to look at my big vision. And then I look at my two core values: truth and connection. And they couldn’t be more in alignment. In fact, my vision is practically the fullest realisation of truth and connection that I could imagine. I grab a post-it and write down the name of my project again, and I feel… home.

After this all-consuming storm of inner uncertainty, I fell back to centre.

And so now I know… it is really going to hurt sometimes. Especially if something means a lot to you. (It’s the same I’ve experienced in relationships – If it’s real-deal love, it’s gonna real-deal hurt.)

There’s actually a verse in the Bible that reads something like: ‘No one said that the weapons wouldn’t form. They just said they wouldn’t prosper.’

Because this is the thing: if something is really meant for us – in life, in love, in work, in anything – and by that I mean if our deepest and truest self desires it enough – then a setback will not mean failure, it will not mean giving up – a setback is only going to sharpen our know-how and tenacity as we go after what we love. (Because love is where the truth is – and love always wins! Oh yes it does.)

Because here is the other thing: not only in any moment in life are you being called on to live out a certain ‘purpose’. But you are also being called on to expand into that purpose (and beyond).If you’re going to do something daring and wonderful in this world, you are going to need to grow into it; to grow into the person you need to be in order to bring it to life.

Which is why an inevitable sucky setback – that goddamn resistance – is not there to defeat you. It is there to transform you.

So – be transformed.See the weapons form, and feel them tear you open.

Then let it bleed,
let it heal,
and let it go.

And then go forth wearing those stunning scars with pride, as you keep on the journey of bringing your gifts into the world.

Because they are gifts that only you can bring.

And because we really really need you to bring them, scars and all (in fact, we wanna see the scars!)

When those intense falls and failures come around (and they will) remember:

You are not being defeated. You are being transformed.