sacred being

Re: Truth

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One day this summer, I wrote down a little piece called ‘Give Me Truth’. 

It came to mind when I came across that ever-potent Henry David Thoreau quote:
‘Rather than love,
than money,
than fame,
give me truth.’

And this is what I wrote..

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Give Me Truth

If we accept that facts are merely ‘states of knowledge’,
that what we know can dissipate overnight…
that change is the only constant…
then what is ‘truth’? 

What is this ‘truth’ that gives us light in the all-encompassing darkness?
It lies in the progression, in the unravelling,
Truth is in the change itself. 
In and through the pain and the joy of the indeterminable winds that surround us,
truth and beauty lie in the conscious will to grow. 

In the heart-led pursuit of growth,
we are in truth.

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Over the years, this question of ‘truth’ has become a cornerstone to my thinking… in every area of my life.

We’ve all felt betrayed by our ideas of ‘truth’. In family, in life, in love (especially in love).

And we all seem to be in pursuit of some kind of truth. A feeling of ‘A-ha! This is “it”! I know it is!’

Whether we see ‘it’ manifesting itself as a reward for a goal, a discovery of certain knowledge, an acquiring of something, or perhaps meeting ‘the one’. Whether we are children, parents, students, professors; it is literally wired into our species as human beings…

… to find meaning within the chaos. 

In the idea of ‘truth’, we seek ease from the suffering of being human.
And after posting this little piece of writing – ‘Give Me Truth’ – I had a big problem… with that last line:
In the heart-led pursuit of growth, we are in truth.
Yes, it felt right… But something about ‘growth’ did not feel right.

Because ‘growth’ implies a bettering – a ‘higher standard’.

And yes we all intend to ‘grow’ – but by what do we measure this ‘growth’? The very word feeds into these abstract notions of ‘perfection’; a rabbit-hole philosophy embedded in our society and bound-up with the scarcity mentality our modern world struggles with. (See de:growth activism, which ties in.)

Here, it’s not about ‘growth’ – but something else…

It’s in the change, for sure. But it doesn’t differ if that ‘change’ is a shrinking or an expanding.

We know that life is an ongoing series of valleys and peaks. Constant ‘peak-state’ is unsustainable; unnatural. Sometimes we need to sink, in order to rise.

So – then – rather than ‘growing’, it’s about moving onward and surrendering to the ever-moving current of change; whether that is a rise or a fall, a birth or a death, a beginning or an end.
Therefore, truth is not only in the growth,
but it is only in change;

all change.

(And this is uncomfortable to accept.) 

This is about transformation, in and of itself.

So, I changed my mind…  And I changed the line to:

In the heart-led pursuit of transformation, we are in truth.

And then it all aligned. That was ‘it’. 

And – as it happens – this is everything I have come to believe in this life;

(and here’s some personal ‘truth’…)

In a couple of weeks time, I will be turning 25 years old…. And in my first quarter-century of this life, I have ‘transformed’ through many experiences. I have fallen deeply in love – twice. I have experienced devastating break-up – more than twice. I have hurt another’s feelings beyond belief. I have been all-in to some of the most incredible friendships and relationships I could hope for. And I have felt the sting of betrayal that can only come from expecting too much from another human being. I have known that place on the bathroom floor that is aptly known as ‘rock bottom’. I have been through a long and deep depression. I have lost half my hair from trauma. I’ve seen my Mum lose all her hair through Stage 4 cancer. And I have known how breathing, movement and real food can literally ignite your body back to life. I have had some of the most fortunate institutional and educational opportunities. And I have seen just how deeply those don’t define who you are. I have started up my own business, and then walked away from that business when I discovered an unforgettable disconnect with what I was doing – even though almost no-one could understand why. I have felt failure and broken down; many times. I’ve discovered myself to be one of the most people-loving, people-pleasing humans I know. And have also found myself to be a loner; an absolute craver and lover of solitude, away from all people. I have been ashamed of who I am to the point of tears and crippling pain. And I have felt so lit up that I have literally beamed at myself in the mirror and danced alone until I gasped for breath…

I have been a complete stranger to myself. And I have been what seemed like my best and only friend.

I have felt and known the highest of mountain peaks. And I have felt and known some of the deepest, deepest valleys.
It has all been transformative. And – hell – I am grateful for it all.
And writing those words… just… there are no words for it.
Because (and it’s not a cliché) gratitude is where it is;
— I wrote something once about what it was like going through depression and what I’d taken from it – and how it continues to be the most defining experience of my life – and the last line read:
And in the end, I will only feel gratitude for it all.

When I wrote those words, they didn’t fully make sense to me. But I somehow knew them to be true… And now, with even more time and perspective behind me, it has become clearer and truer by the day;  I really am grateful for it all. 

And to have anything to be grateful for, we must learn to surrender to the transformation. To this unceasing, unfolding of life.

We must lean into the vulnerability (both the pain and the joy) of change in order to experience love – for anyone or anything.

And L O V E is who we are and why we are alive.

pablo-8

And so – as I move into another year of this ever-mystifying thing called life – re: truth, the above is about as best as I’ve got so far.

That it’s never about an ‘arrival’;
a ‘win’ or a ‘lose’.

But it is all about surrender.
About heart-led intention within and through inevitable change.

Who knows where I stand in puzzling this thing out, but I’ll keep on puzzling. I’ll keep on questioning, and I’ll keep leaning in. (As Socrates said, ‘The unexamined life is not worth living.’)

And I am so grateful to have got here. To have come this far… wherever that is.

And so…

Not ‘to the journey’,

But ‘to the dance’.

To the unfolding.

 (And… to gratitude.)

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