It’s okay to not be okay.

Lord knows it is uncomfortable to see another person in sadness, pain or uncertainty…

… because – yes, of course – we would much rather see someone in comfort, joy and elation (especially if it is someone we love)…

… but also – and this is something we don’t like to admit – because it reminds us, however unconsciously, of our very own sadness, pain and uncertainty in this life…

And, in truth, sometimes it is hard to see our own fragile human experience mirrored in the glassy eyes of another person in struggle.

So, what does this mean? 

It means we don’t respond as well as we might like toward someone we love when they’re openly upset; and while we might attempt to move through a difficult moment as cleanly as possible, we can make a very harsh miss at empathy…

… something I find immortalised in the gentle, famous words:

“Oh no, please don’t cry.” 

As innocent and concerned as that phrase sounds, this to me is an empathy-miss. But of course, there are far worse out there… I once knew someone who would barely let me get out a sentence explaining why I was upset, before doing a pouty face, cock-of-the-head and a whiny “oh pumpkin!” before quickly changing the subject to something else…. It always, always left me regretting opening up.)

But really and truly, nobody does empathy perfectly every time.

Sometimes we ourselves are in too difficult a place emotionally to show up for someone, and sometimes we just don’t have the tools. .. Perhaps we were never given them at all.

Many bad habits around emotion are picked up from infancy… How many parents see their toddler fall over, pick them up, and immediately begin bouncing them around saying ‘You’re okay! You’re okay! You’re okay!’ as the child looks flabbergasted and chokes back tears?

Just as with “Oh no, please don’t cry”. when emotion is steam rolled over – in any way – our brains quickly intercede and make sense of it all by thinking ‘oh crap, it’s not okay to not be okay. It’s not a good thing to cry. And I seem to be making this other person uncomfortable… Okay, better stop crying now… Why did I let myself?! … Suck it up. Get it together.’

Emotion swallowed. Connection closed. Confusion ensues.

Instead, when we see someone in a fragile state, we should take a moment before replying with something that may unintentionally shut down emotional expression…

If we can – we should pause and quieten ourselves, and simply look at the other person deeply and with a keen listening ear. And if the person is choked for words, lean in and say ‘How are you feeling? What’s going on?’

Just allow them. Hold space for them, in whatever state they are in. Avoid trying to interrupt or change the thing that’s happening to them. Because – as hard as it is for our control-instincts to handle, only they can understand and move through it.

And when we are able to fully let go in front of another person, and allow those tears and wave of emotions to flow… That’s when we can really make space to move through to an exhale, to a smile, and maybe even to a silver lining.

Because when we’re struggling, what we’re truly, deeply seeking from the other is the permission to move through the pain, at our own pace and in our own way.

Just…

“I am here.

 It’s okay to feel this way.

I get it (I really do).

I love you.”

…. And that is it.

Or, rather,

that is everything…

– Georgia

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